Deep Breaths
by lilybirds
Summary: - "That's what you've been hiding from me?" Merlin's face loses all its colour, and if it weren't for the clothes he is wearing, he'd blend in nicely with the wall right behind him.
1. Chapter 1

**Thanks.

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It's been a couple of weeks since Arthur's saved his father and since they've reclaimed Camelot. The immortal army is gone and mysteriously so have Morgause and Morgana. Uther is not himself, but because he's not being unnecessarily cruel or murderous – Arthur deals with it and lets Gaius work his magic. Arthur is half-King now, not officially but everyone seems to have assigned him to do his father's job, who is clearly still suffering too much.

Arthur's in charge and surprisingly enough, it's easier than expected. It's quiet in Camelot and he enjoys it for a bit because all good things come to an end eventually. He knows this. And he's accepted it.

Gwaine, Lancelot, Elyan, Percival and Leon are all around and they're good company. Of course it takes time to get used to them but now that they're all knights, it's a bit easier. Merlin, of course, is present at most meetings but he hides in the shadows and sometimes Arthur regrets looking over his shoulder because the simple image of him being there instead of next to him pulls painfully on his heartstrings.

Merlin's been all right, and most of the time Arthur sees him together with Lancelot. Their heads bowed together and whispering in urgent voices but when their eyes find Arthur their talks turn into light chatter and sometimes they part ways with only a lingering glance. Sometimes it worries Arthur, as he lies in his bed, and he wonders what's happened to the both of them. What's changed. Of course nothing has, it's all the same mostly. Merlin still wakes him at morning and he still trips down stairs and he still reacts fondly to the 'shut up's and the 'don't be such a girl's but in a way, there's something missing. Something that used to be big between them is now smaller and less…exclusive. Because Arthur sees Merlin laugh with Gwaine and Elyan punches his shoulder and Leon smiles at him.

Perhaps he should be happy that Merlin is so loved. But he's not.

"I know it's hard," Arthur hears Lancelot murmur – he finds him together with Merlin, they're seated in Lancelot's chambers, their voices loud compared to their usual whisperings. "but everything will be alright." Arthur listens and isn't ashamed.

"That's a lie and you know it." Merlin retorts and through the door, Arthur sees his shoulders tense and then they sag with something that seems to be exhaustion. Lancelot continues in his usual voice. "You've got to have faith, when the time is right he'll…"

"He doesn't need me anymore," Arthur fights the urge to barge in there when Merlin speaks those words, his voice a mere shadow of what used to be, but he holds back. "he's already King, really… Only a little while and it'll be official." Arthur freezes, because it seems Merlin is actually unhappy with him becoming King.

"You'll get your credit, Merlin. Like you've always said – he'll be a great King. He'll see what you're worth…" A pause. "They all will."

"I can't tell him about me, I can't tell him that –"

"Tell me what?" Arthur steps inside the room, pushing open the doors, frowning and both men stumble in surprise, faces paling. "A-Arthur." Merlin spits out in wonder and something that seems to be fear. Lancelot clears his throat, awkwardly, eyes flying to Merlin's and they share a _look_. Then the knight leans over, whispers something under his breath and nods at Arthur, leaving in a hurry. Merlin looks after him. He seems betrayed.

"What is it, Merlin?" Arthur steps closer and receives a perfectly fake smile that's almost pathetic. "Nothing! I'm just feeling a bit under the weather, 's all." Arthur can only scoff, looking at his servant with mere irritation. "You do realize I heard your conversation, right?"

Merlin winces, then Arthur sees the wheel turn in his head, a determined expression making its way onto his servant's face. "You were eavesdropping? That's rude, you know…" Merlin attempts a light tone but Arthur interrupts, impatiently. "I'm the Prince, I can do whatever the hell I want. Now tell me."

"I just," Merlin speaks after a few seconds of pondering silence. "feel like you're forgetting me, after all we've…" He pauses, tries to hide a wince. "_been _through together. Now you're almost King, I mean."

It's a lie. For the first time Arthur feels it in his bones and in the rest – in all he's got. "Really?" He sounds patronizing and Merlin's relief quickly vanishes and morphs into another wave of tension and fear. "That's all then?" He continues, slowly – testing the waters. "Your big _secret_?" Arthur takes a step closer and the air gets heavy, heavier than it already was, heavier than it's ever been. "That's what you've been hiding from me?" Merlin's face loses all its colour, and if it weren't for the clothes he is wearing, he'd blend in nicely with the wall right behind him. "Yeah," he manages, but his voice is hoarse and for a second Arthur feels like a fourteen year-old again, bullying all the kids who are different and special and just perfectly _fine_. He stares at Merlin, at the way too blue eyes are peering up at him from underneath dark lashes. "Y-yeah, Arthur. That's it. A bit embarrassing, really. I know how you like to call me a girl and all, so I didn't feel like telling you that I was so incredibly needy of your attent-"

"Merlin," his voice is low, dangerous in a way. "Just tell me the truth, please." A weird crack. "It's all I ask. As _friends_ we're supposed to…" He doesn't continue and Merlin stares at him, his bottom lip wobbling a little and it distresses Arthur. Not because crying makes him uncomfortable (even though it does) but because crying Merlin might just be the worst thing in the world apart from dead Merlin.

"You'll hate me." Merlin cracks through a voice that's not functioning the way it's supposed to and his shoulders shake from up and down to up again, his breaths coming out in little bursts of unprocessed air. "Just tell me, Merlin, it's fine. It can't be that bad, we'll see how-"

A little hysterical bark of laughter. "Not that bad? _Not that bad?_"

"Yes, not that bad. I'm a man, I can handle it. We're both grown ups, so we can just-"

"I'm magic." Merlin bursts out, a manic look in his eyes as he breathes hard, his chest rising as if he's just gotten home from running miles but all Arthur can think is 'of course of course of course of course of course'. And apart from breathing there's silence, while Merlin is breathing himself to death, Arthur can only think 'of course' and then he thinks 'why'.

"It's my destiny, I couldn't – let you – I wanted to, believe me – Arthur – it's all…" Merlin answers the question he's apparently voiced out loud.

Arthur sits down, puts his head in his hands and then all he can think of is how much his chest hurts and how much Merlin's chest must hurt and how much everything has been a lie.

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**I love reviews. This is a subtle hint. **

**Until next time!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for the great response.

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Time passes by. It's quiet in a bad way because the silence in Lancelot's chambers is deafening and it's tense and fearful.

Arthur's head is still in his hands, his eyes staring at the ground without really seeing anything and Merlin is still with him, but Arthur doesn't look – doesn't dare look, because he's afraid that when he does, he might see someone different. He might see something treacherous, the sorcerers Uther has warned him about. He's afraid Merlin might not be Merlin at all.

Merlin hasn't said a word, only breathes – but Arthur still feels the erratic irregular energy around him and it's difficult to think straight when things are so blatantly obvious.

"How?" Arthur speaks up when the thoughts get too much, when they're going too fast for him to keep up and when he just _needs _to hear it. And Merlin replies him in a breath and the shake in his voice is almost gone, but Arthur still hears it. He can still hear the tremble at the foundation of the words so carefully chosen. "You didn't see," Merlin says. "It was better this way."

And it doesn't explain anything, possibly makes things worse and maybe Arthur should leave. Maybe he should get up, walk away and never look back.

"Was all a lie?" Arthur instead wonders and finally looks up to Merlin, their eyes finding each other and it seems the fire in Merlin spreads through him and the defeat in Arthur crumbles. For a second, there's nothing but a scorching in his veins and they're connected the way they always were before everything started spiralling out of control. "No." Merlin answers and the determination in his voice makes it truth. Arthur believes the way Merlin believes.

The next question and the emotion behind it seems to catch Merlin off-guard and he looks away, averting his gaze to his feet and the connection is broken. They're just two boys now and the pain once again wells up, underneath Arthur's still prickling skin. "Were you going to tell me?" Arthur asks and Merlin says: "I wanted to."

Arthur nods more to himself because Merlin is no longer looking at him. They're just two boys and Arthur throbs painfully with betrayal and uncertainty. It feels as if he's seven years old again, alone – surrounded by faces he's supposed to recognize but they're all meaningless and he knows it's all in there somewhere inside him but he can't quite reach it. It's all too far away.

But while caught in the nostalgia, Arthur realizes that there's one face he recognizes and he clings to it with bare hands – holds the memory and the feelings and the face close.

"You weren't going to tell me, were you?" It's even quieter now but the air has changed, because instead of an angry and tense silence, it's just _air _now. It's as if all energy has been sucked out. But Merlin is still on edge and it's hard for Arthur to not look at him. Because it's still Merlin, but now Arthur starts noticing all kinds of new things he's never noticed before.

"I don't know." Merlin tells him and he's not lying. They look at each other again and Merlin's eyes are wet and Arthur has to fight his own tears more than ever, because yes – there is anger and fury and it's _there _but it's nothing compared to the mutual pain they share, to the mutual pain they have shared in the past. "Perhaps if…" Merlin murmurs, blinks a few times and then continues. "Perhaps I would have."

"You could've told me," Arthur says and searches for the last traces of anger in his heart but finds nothing. It's all been washed away. "I'm not a fool."

"No," Merlin agrees, simply and there's a long silence between them until Merlin starts talking in a quiet sort of way that makes Arthur listen. "You know, after a while," Merlin struggles. "you get used to being overlooked. Because – because at night you need to sleep and in the morning you have to get up."

Arthur doesn't understand, or maybe he just doesn't want to. "At first it hurts, you know? To be left behind. I wanted you to acknowledge me, Arthur. Because at times you were such a _prat_, and I just wanted to make you see me. And on other days I felt like leaving because you're my best friend… And - and it didn't feel real to me. Well, it did, but I just knew that if _you _knew…"

Arthur only watches as Merlin swallows his pain and guilt and then continues in a stronger voice. "I wanted to tell you everything, every day. Every minute I was with you and every minute I wasn't," Merlin says and looks Arthur straight in the eyes and there's a strange golden glint around the edges of Merlin's eyes. Arthur realizes that Merlin's a part of magic as much as magic is a part of Merlin and Arthur realizes things are what they are and things will be just the way he wants them to be, what _they _want them to be. "I've carried the burden," Merlin says. "Because you needed to be alive. And you needed to be King."

Arthur speaks through the tightness in his throat, follows the trail of one tear down Merlin's cheek and maybe this is the moment that matters more than anything. "Was it worth it?" Arthur asks.

Merlin doesn't reply, only smiles. And Arthur knows the answer.

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**And I still happen to love reviews!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Last chapter, guys. I wish I could carry on with this, because of the great response I got. **

**But this is where I'm leaving it, because continuing would be milking the idea and I don't want that.**

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When Gaius passes, Arthur is with Merlin – holds him close while Merlin sobs with every fiber of his being. Arthur cries with him, grieves the loss of someone that's been in his life for so long. Someone who always seemed to be so invincible is now nothing but a memory. Arthur soaks up Merlin's shirt while Merlin soaks up his.

"He was perfectly fine," Merlin says, more tears streaming down his face and Arthur nods, tightens his arms around him, ignoring the voice in his head. "This is wrong! This is inappropriate!" it screams but instead Arthur opens his mouth and says: "Death has a way of sneaking up on us." Merlin nods, reaches over to wipe away his tears and then cries again without a sound.

That night they light more than sixty candles and reminisce – sometimes laughing, sometimes crying. Though Arthur's pride is still present like always, this night is an exception. He welcomes Merlin's laughter and tears with open arms, because Merlin _trusts _him and that is quite possibly all he needs right now.

When Merlin lights another candle, Arthur watches the swirl of gold in his eyes and smiles. Sometimes he's jealous of Merlin – feels tiny next to him and his capabilities. Merlin is perfectly aware of this and that's why Arthur suspects he never mentions his talents, what he can and cannot do he keeps quiet. Arthur often feels guilty, because he knows that if _he _were magic - things would have been so different. Merlin would have been shameless, Merlin could be just Merlin.

Things have been better between them, Arthur trusts Merlin (though he's never actually told him that, but Merlin knows, Arthur's sure) and Merlin trusts him, but no matter how hard he tries he can't fully lose himself in whatever it is they're doing – whatever it is they _have _together. Merlin has lied to him for over three years and Arthur _tries _to forget, because he's forgiven and he wants to forget so badly but his head doesn't agree with his heart and that's why it feels so _wrong. _

Arthur loves Merlin, will always love him but he feels as if there always will be a gap. Because they're different and the lies their friendship is built on – the foundation sometimes shakes them further apart instead of closer and there's nothing Arthur can do about it.

When all the candles burn out, the sun has already started to rise and Arthur smiles at Merlin – receives one and there are no longer tears between them. Arthur is sometimes envious of Merlin, because he possesses strength Arthur has never encountered before.

When Arthur tells Uther of Gaius his death, Uther does not turn away from his window and his voice is cold as he reacts. "It was to be expected," he says, but his voice is high and Arthur excuses himself, tries to ignore the sobs he hears when he's at the end of the corridor. For the first time he admits to himself that he misses Morgana.

When they light the pyre the next day, people huddle together as they sob into their hands or just grieve in silence and Arthur and Merlin stand side by side as the fire licks and swallows Arthur's childhood whole. Uther is not there and Arthur pretends not to hear the insults Merlin mutters under his breath, instead concentrates on not breathing in the smell of death and soon Merlin falls silent as he watches it all disappear.

Not five days later Uther takes his own life and Arthur is the one to find him. Hand curled around a necklace Arthur recognizes as his mother's and the other hand lifelessly folded around Morgana's dagger, Arthur finds his own father and stares into his eyes. Seeing nothing there, he wonders if he should feel surprised, he wonders if Morgana will know. He wonders how much more he should lose before he can gain. He sits down and waits until it's time to rise.

Arthur sees Merlin when he's on the balcony, the weight of the crown heavy on his head and Arthur can only nod and then raises his head to take in and feel.

"The King is dead! Long live the King!"

Merlin grins and shameless proud tears run down his cheeks as he raises his hand and conjures up a flight of doves, all fear of hiding gone– he releases them and they use their pure white wings for the first time, they fire up the sky like butterflies and they leave trails of smoke but no one pays attention to the magic – instead they pay attention to the beauty of it, Uther forgotten for just a few precious moments; and this_, this _is what Merlin's been here for. This is what he's been waiting for, seeing Arthur on that balcony and seeing him wear that crown and Merlin knows that this, _this _is what destiny feels like.

Arthur follows the doves with his eyes until they're too far away and then hears a voice inside his head asking him the question he's been wanting to answer ever since all turned around. "Do you trust me?" The voice asks and Arthur finds Merlin in the crowd without having to try. He answers and then they both smile. "Always," Arthur mouths. "Two sides of a coin," is what he receives.

And so, a new time begins.

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**Once again - thank you so much for all your sweet reviews. I hope I'll get some again, obviously but the reaction to this story was such a pleasant surprise!**

**I hope this last chapter was satisfying and if I change my mind about this story, you'll all be the first to know!**

**xo.**

**(Also, a great 2011 to you all! Be careful with fireworks, yeah?)**


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